My Lifelong Search For The Love of My Life & Ensuing Dark Night of the Soul

In this post, I offer very personal perspectives with sincere hopes that my story can help others, especially other men struggling with feelings of confusion, disappointment, and depression as it relates to meeting women and ultimately finding ‘the One.’ I’m exposing my own struggle to help others who feel trapped in their own perceived failures and shortcomings know they’re not alone.

MEETING THE ONE

For as long as I can remember, all I’d ever truly desired — I mean deeply needed, or believed I needed — was the love of another.

I’ve dreamt of finding the One ever since I was young. I could never quite explain why… but I knew I wanted to meet the right girl in the right place at the right time. It’s all I cared about for a long time, ever since puberty, really. What many of my old friends and even my family do not know is that this deep desire turned into desperation that catapulted me into an on-again-off-again depression which still rears its ugly head from time to time, even today.

11 Best Lonely guy images | Lonely, Photo, Lions head cape town

My obsession to find the one actually soon became my primary motivator for getting up every day. It was like a bad egoic movie replaying over and over — the Groundhog Day of Michael the Desperate, Unlovable Bachelor. The more this theme of loneliness was reiterated to me by the Universe, the more the hurt grew.

As I later internalized and fully understood, I felt as though I needed to find and receive love from another as a prerequisite for first loving myself.

It got to the point where everywhere I went, everywhere I looked, all I thought about was meeting “her.”

My mental chatter — my ego — was incessant around this.

“I have to be proactive. I have to find her… right now… time is running out,” it would yell.

“All my old guy friends from college are married and settled down. WTF am I doing wrong? I’m literally the nicest guy on this planet — I’m doing a disservice to my soul mate by keeping my love to myself, by not meeting her; I want to give my love away so bad!”

“Well, if there’s anything I know for damn sure from years of experience, it’s that she sure isn’t going to approach me — no girl I’d ever be interested in has done that in history; I just have to accept that I need to approach her if I see her. And rejection… I know it’s coming. I know it. Okay, here’s the plan, Michael: approach 100 beautiful girls over the next three years, and maybe, possibly, if you don’t stumble over your words too much, you’ll get 10 who don’t reject you, 5 might give you real numbers, 3 might agree to a first date, and 1 will work out long term. Bet.”

This self-told tale replayed in my mind in some capacity every day from about 16 to 27 years old. Every. single. day.

Sometimes, it still does.

I’M (STILL) OBSESSED WITH FINDING LOVE

I was definitely obsessed, and, though I might not have appeared so on the outside to friends or family — portraying an image of a fitness fanatic, hard-working marketer who loved partying, sports, and life — I was crying out on the inside, desperately wondering what I was missing and why the girls I wanted didn’t seem to want me the way I wanted them.

In my search, I tried to open every single possible avenue.

I bought a course from a date doctor in college to try to capitalize on what I thought were my prime four years.

I turned to the nightlife scene.

I lost myself in dating apps and became borderline addicted to the swipe culture. I have no idea how much money I’ve wasted over the years on Super Swipes, super likes, and Premium memberships on more than a dozen dating apps that, overall, have failed miserably in delivering what I desire.

I tried to become fearless in meeting new girls in new places. I’d try to be romantic — leaving my number on napkins (even while out with my family), approaching girls at the gym (in one particular situation, only to be shown a ring I’d failed to see), and many more I’d rather leave in the past.

I wanted to be able to approach a woman at any place and at any time. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Inside, I was driving myself crazy.

Why? I didn’t want to miss out on love. And I hated missed opportunities. With each day that passed spent alone, I felt like more and more of a loser.

It felt like a dark blanket encased my brain, underlining every thought I had, devaluing anything not related to finding love.

Well, as I now know, life doesn’t work like that. And I had been lost in the thralls of the illusion — a temptation so great I had no idea I was even in it. I just assumed this is how life had to be and would always be.

What I didn’t intuitively know is this: love finds you, you don’t find it.

In 2016, I met a girl I perceived as being a perfect 10, the kind of girl that old me would marry in a second. We met organically in a supermarket after I approached her while she was with her Mom. I felt like maybe this was the big break I was waiting for. After nearly two years of on-and-off fun mixed with confusion, pain, and disappointment, I realized it wasn’t going to work out. But, the dark blanket of desire wore off when I was with her, which felt amazing. That’s why I was so devastated when we cut it off. By a stroke of divine synchronicity, I met an amazing girl shortly afterward, and my time spent with her led to my incredible awakening, which I covered in this article. Counting those two wonderful experiences, I’ve had four significant relationships (two from Tinder, surprisingly — two of the most amazing women I’ve ever met) over the years, but nothing that lasted and nothing that I felt could stand the test of a lifetime.

But for years, that isn’t how I looked at it.

With every attractive woman I passed on the street and didn’t talk to, I felt deeply regretful and even momentarily angered. “Ugh!” I thought. “How many missed opportunities are you going to let pass? How many times do you need to let her go by without at least shooting your shot? How many couples do you have to see laughing together before you take decisive and bold action? C’mon Michael — you’ve got to be willing to do something you’ve never done if you want something you’ve never had.”

The endless dating disappointments, parade of flaky people, and years of wasted, unconscious energy put into apps made me feel even worse. But I didn’t blame anyone but me. And when I looked in the mirror and tried to objectively ask what was going wrong, I couldn’t find anything glaring. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but I worked hard to ensure I had a chiseled body, a nice looking face, and a unique style not being echoed by many men in the middle of Indiana. I didn’t neglect the inside either. I strived to be myself — nice, friendly, fun, compassionate, flirtatious, charming, chivalrous, and every other attractive quality I could imagine that a girl would want… what was missing?

The more flings that fizzled out and failures I endured, the more confused and cursed I felt. These feelings still persist sometimes — I even went to a psychic a few months ago to ask her if I had some kind of weird hex on me. She laughed and dismissed my far-fetched theory.

Yet I still knew something wasn’t right.

Why is it so hard to find her? Is it really too much to ask, I thought? My standards are high, but this is getting ridiculous, I thought.

MY AWAKENING & DARK NIGHT

It wasn’t until my awakening in 2018 alongside my ex that I fully understood and felt these deeper truths: part of my primary life theme includes spending time in solitude and learning to enjoy the vast diversion from Oneness — alone time; it will happen when I least expect it and when I’m not looking; I do need to love myself before another can love me; I will attract that which I am.

Was it possible that by reversing my thinking, I could actually change my state of being, the subtle subliminal signals I was sending, and might that not only reduce my depressive feelings, but be the antidote to somehow attracting women to me?

Suddenly, I let go of many of those old and outdated self-conditioned paradigms. I released them into the Universe. They weren’t mine to harbor any longer.

In lieu of pushing myself to find her, and punishing myself with weekends of liquor or bouncing around town, blatantly failing and blaming myself, of seeking, of believing that it was up to me to make it happen, I tried to surrender to the Universe.

I had to… or I’d have killed myself. Sometimes, those dark thoughts still resurface.

Listen to my podcast episode on this topic.

My Dark Night of the Soul began unconsciously a few years prior to my full-fledged awakening, but I didn’t know it at the time.

As world-renowned spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle explains, the dark night of the soul “describes what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state [brewing within] in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression.”

In a way, that old version of me did die, a while ago. I don’t even remember that old me, though I can recall the feelings he had.

FINDING PURPOSE

The new me — awake and conscious — dove into understanding how LoA works, what love really is, simulation theory, and other new world views that could explain my suffering, help me heal, and offer understanding.

My entire paradigm shifted as I started to slowly awaken to a peacefulness I’d never known. I created a newfound space around my pain. It was still there — and still is — but not as intense. I soon began to try and embrace being unattached and single.

As I dove into metaphysics, esoteric philosophy, and ancient knowledge, I not only found my life purpose, but I simultaneously began attacking an entirely novel vision for who I wanted to invent myself to be.

If I could choose peace and happiness instead of misery and emptiness, I realized I could find a reward in my pain; that I could capitalize on being single, having time to build myself — to surpass other guys settling for mediocrity.

I began hanging out with highly successful, single guys on their grind and completely happy, working on themselves and ascending in business and other areas of life. I dropped my old friend group of unconscious 23-26 year old guys and began hanging with 33-36 year-old men, exclusively… on a completely different tip.

And, the pain and pressure I’d been putting on myself to meet girls suddenly diminished. I dropped my old self-created expectation of being settled down and married at 28 and began to re-contextualize my entire life.

I felt better, lighter, more clear than ever. 33-year-old me is going to look back at 25-year old me and laugh.

I realized that the reason I’d been so depressed all those years wasn’t because I couldn’t find the love of my life, but because I was not in my purpose. I was focused on the wrong thing. I’d made meeting women my purpose — allowing my success therein to dictate how I felt about myself. I’d equated my being single with my sense of self, assuming being alone meant I was an utter failure.

A man in his purpose is not concerned with anything else, and he will attract everything he desires to him as he fulfills his raison d’être.

Since then, I’ve been focusing on loving myself and learning more about who I truly am, practicing who I desire to be. With each day, I still feel increasingly ready to find my next girlfriend; but at the same time, for the first time, I’ve committed to a newfound personal vision with goals that will set me on course to create millions for myself, and touch the lives of thousands through my purpose… all living as my best possible self.

I do not need or even want someone right now who doesn’t compliment that vision. I realized what a gigantic distraction the wrong girl would be and was hit with the realization that I wasn’t having trouble meeting women; women were having trouble meeting me on my frequency, and that maybe it was simply that no one could ‘fux’ with my high vibe or multidimensional personality. In a sense, I was invisible to girls operating on a lower frequency plane who didn’t know what they wanted or were just interested in wasting time, using me for free meals, attention, or who just wanted to go out, get drunk, and gossip. I reclaimed my sovereignty and began to view myself not as some poor single shmuck but as the one-in-a-billion King I am, a man who anyone would be lucky to be with. “I am amazing”, I thought. “I’m worth so much, and I am such a catch.” Now, I don’t chase anyone. I let people chase me.

“I realized I wasn’t having trouble meeting girls; girls were having trouble meeting me on my level. It was a frequency issue. I began to view myself not as some poor single schmuck but as the King I am.”

I’m thankful life brought me to this new place, unattached, without any kids to speak of… with a relatively clean slate to allow me to launch into a much higher vision than ever.

I’ve grown so confident in the value I can offer to the right woman that I’m not able to settle for anything less than what I deserve — a 10, inside and out (p.s. if you’re out there, holla!!!).

I have a deep and visceral knowing that whoever my next girlfriend is, she will be my last. I know that our love will blow all of my past relationships out of the water. I know that when I meet my soul mate, we’ll build an empire together and touch the lives of millions.

And I will not settle.

I am unwilling to be weak and unable to give in to the pressure like so many others.

I’m weirdly willing to remain single for the rest of my life (one of my greatest fears) if it happens. Though I don’t necessarily want that, with each passing day, I’m more and more at ease with the possibility. I’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t see my fucking genius.

My message to other guys or girls struggling with these same issues: you’re not alone, and don’t give up. Don’t give up on yourself, your purpose, or love. You’re here for a reason — find it and give your all to it. The right one will love you for that. They will see your unique value — and will be so attracted to your one-in-a-billion energetic signature.

You are the one you’ve been looking for.

Love yourself first, forever.

∞ 𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘦. 𝘚𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘺. 𝘓𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺. ∞

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ɪɢ: @mjbecker_ · @new_earth_knowledge / ᴇᴍᴀɪʟ

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Michael Becker

Michael is an intuitive empath, awakening mentor, and esoteric scientist. He is claircognizant and has the ability to visualize abstract metaphysical processes, phenomenon, and concepts. His expertise includes life purpose coaching, wellness and hydration, holistic health, illness and disease symbolism, self mastery and personal development, the energetics of emotion, LoA and manifestation, and the emergent ego mind. He is also passionate about the metaphysics of existence, the purpose and origin of the Earth Game, the multidimensional self, Ascension, simulation theory, the global awakening of consciousness, and synchronicity/celestial synchronicity.

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