In PT I of this series, I addressed my initial dark night spawned by my deep desire to come together with “The One.” This post is going to be a total release into vulnerability, transparency and truth as I delve into a high-level immersion of my own (limited) dating life since my ex and I split in 2019. I am sharing the following not to expose anyone nor for pity; but simply because I need an outlet for outward expression of my mounting frustration with this incredibly difficult component of my own life script. I also want to explore how emergent themes including self worth, self respect, fear of abandonment, plus trust issues have affected several relationships with potential new flames. Most of all, I want others struggling to connect romantically to know, as always, that you are not alone. All names have been altered to protect the identity of the women mentioned.
It was hard enough watching both of my exes, Shelly and McKenna, quickly get into new relationships after me, both with handsome military men — a sharp, painful bite to my already-intense ego which has created an INFERIORITY COMPLEX with regard to other men (let alone attractive, alpha, army men…) for years. What are the chances, right?
Shortly thereafter, I connected with Delaney through Instagram. Though she lived in Maryland at the time, we both felt a spark from the jump and quickly began chatting. There was one problem: she had a boyfriend (who she was supposedly wanting to break up with). I’d met Shelly in a similar capacity, and knew I never wanted to be involved in a love triangle ever again.
|Key Takeaway: Competing for Attention|
|Never compete for anyone’s attention or love. The emotional highs of any lustful relationship built on lies will inevitably be balanced out by the lows. Actions speak louder than words; always stay true to your word and ensure actions follow in-suit. If a partner displays a dissonance between what they say and do, it may be a red flag clueing you into underlying narcissistic qualities. Dating apps help expand reach and scale, but are cesspools of egoic vibrations. While apps are a fundamentally neutral avenue of interaction, the reasons others appear in that realm span the spectrum. Apps are an energetically-tough and emotionally-brutal field to play in; if you’re immersing yourself, do not get your hopes up and take each word another says with a grain of salt until they prove they are for real.|
One day, Delaney and I were talking on the phone when she hung up on me because her boyfriend got home. I decided I was not willing to put up with being treated in such a way, and learned a valuable lesson in SELF WORTH that day. Our interaction temporarily halted… but not for long.
Let’s pick it up in February 2020, right before COVID became a thing. I’d be chatting for a couple months with Alyson, a 23-year-old (not that age matters, but my natural affinity towards and propensity to attract “younger” women has also been a theme in my life) entrepreneur and self-proclaimed intuitive coach in L.A. We’d been getting to know one another deeply for weeks, sharing intimate personal details with one another and exploring a chemistry that (I thought) went beyond friendship. We FaceTime’d multiple times and texted for hours every day leading up to the point where neither of us could wait any longer to meet up.
We ended up planning to meet in L.A. plus to spend a few days together at a romantic getaway in the Escondido mountains. So I bought a plane ticket, two Airbnb’s (one for my time in L.A. and one for our stay in the outskirts of S.D.), and a hiking trip for two. Long story short, Alyson picked me up from the Burbank airport and after spending the day together, it was clear something just wasn’t right. She was becoming more distant, more passive… and opted to go get a fake tan that night instead of spending the evening together with me. I knew something was off energetically.
The next day, this supposedly “woke” psychic medium and life coach ditched our morning hike because she said she threw up that morning after a glass of wine from the night before. And that was it — we were done talking. I wasn’t going to beg her to see me nor did I feel guided to inquire further.
|Key Takeaway: Cut it Off & Seek Knowledge|
|You are never required to maintain or extend any interaction beyond any point in which you are not feeling energetic reciprocity. Stand sovereign and strong in your God-self; you do not need to beg anyone for their attention. Seeking closure is one thing (which I could’ve done), continuing to prod and pry is a choice made from weakness. I prefer to cut off all interactions where women show a lack of courtesy or clear disrespect immediately so as to stop the etheric bleeding. I then look for imbalances within myself which attracted that individual, and just try to move on. Responsiveness, courtesy, consistency and enthusiasm are important for me in energy exchanges. Maybe this is just me — but I retract unread DMs or messages left on read, I delete unresponsive matches on apps, or otherwise walk away from any interaction that clearly does not offer the elements I know I want — reiterating to the universe what I’m willing to do in the face of what I do not deserve, thereby strengthening or solidifying the timelines that will bring me to who I do.|
There I was…my first time in L.A., left completely alone without any communication letting me know what was really going on. I felt more emotionally naked, cold, and spiritually afraid than I’d ever felt. My heart knew she was uninterested but it had no idea why or what I did wrong (it was all her). But the fact that she bailed on me without remorse or explanation and had to make up awful excuses as to why she did it really bothered me. How could this spiritual life coach taking other women’s money to teach them how to live authentically and from the heart treat me like that? That was the first time I experienced FALSE LIGHT.
In my tears shed alone that Friday night, and with a knife in my hand held to my own chest, I begged for any “spirit guides” or “white light” to join me and help me find meaning in this suffering. This was not the first time I’d been deceived, misled, or stood up. In fact, it was just one more flavor of this evolving tapestry of Instagram flakes, dating app debacles, and insecure, fickle women who couldn’t see me for the King I know I am. I felt more UNLOVABLE than ever.
For the first time in my life, I cut my own wrists and legitimately considered just exiting the matrix altogether. Somehow, I must have scraped myself off the floor and mustered the strength to walk down to the gas station where I bought a few bottles of wine for myself. They were gone by morning. And I didn’t fucking puke.
I'm not some perfect, enlightened, woke master. I'm human. I have insecurities, imperfections and much going on in my mind that should keep me busy for a long time coming. The Universe has blessed me with access to higher knowledge as to the nature of reality and the multidimensional self... but it also knows where I'm vulnerable and is relentlessly exposing these areas for me to remind me how human I still am.
I hit up and hung out with a good friend, Tyler (real name), instead of with Alyson that week which was an unexpected Godsend. We had a great time. By this time, I recalled that Delaney had moved cross-country to L.A. and decided to shoot her a text. She was down to grab a drink so we made plans to meet. I ended up spending some quality time with her and we actually took advantage of the romantic San Diego getaway I’d booked. Even though Delaney seemed much more spacey than I thought she’d be, once we both relaxed a bit, we developed a nice bond and intimacy that was amazing to feel. But Delaney and my communication fizzled out in the weeks that followed. I knew she was not my future wife but just a kind guide along the path to mirror me to me.
Inherent in this entire experience were loads of lessons that these two beautiful soul mates gifted me the ability to recognize. I’ll frame several of them generically so you may glean maximum value:
- We let our ego’s mental projections about a future possible timeline create a false sense of security, especially when we’ve forged a new flame with another. Most times, this is actually not an intuitive hit but an egoic imagining. We’re best served to play things by ear, stay present, avoid jumping to conclusions, and release expectations. This is why true love can only be present when you truly need nothing from another individual.
- The extent to which you desire co-creative love is the degree to which you are deserving of it. But you will not activate its manifestation within your life script until you achieve this magnitude of SELF LOVE. Self love is the recognition of your true worth. In my experience, you will repel those of the opposite sex who are of a lower frequency; they can’t handle your higher vibration. It’s not that no one likes you; it’s that few are on your frequency plane.
- Soul mates teach you what you need; they do not give you what you want. Your twin flame will NEVER desert you, NEVER make up excuses to avoid spending time with you, or EVER treat you with a blatant lack of empathy, respect or love. I even think some of our “soul mates” (we have many) are soulless, programmed bots.
- Where one door closes, another opens. Of course, we never see the door ahead when our focal point of attention is on present pain. The degree of the pain is commensurate with your ability to overcome it and is also directly correlated with the extent or depth of available knowledge to be accessed in healing through it.
TRUST ISSUES… & I STILL GET JEALOUS
Other short-lived flings between then and February 2021 helped me discover even more about myself.
Two separate instances with two different Amys (one in Summer 2021, the other in February) confused me even more. The latter was a unique exploit in conversation, heart-based healing, and (digital) sexual exploration with a woman a dozen years my senior also in L.A. She spoke light language — like Delaney — and helps clients heal inner wounds. Though I’d been left out to dry by Alyson — now battling inner fears about flying to meet up with someone and being abandoned — this woman seemed different. In fact, she was the most light-filled feminine I’ve ever met. We also made plans to meet up in Phoenix and I even disclosed my FEAR OF ABANDONMENT with her. She told me even though she was nervous, she was a grown woman and would never deceive someone like that. Yet guess what… that’s exactly what she did! She was a big no show and became the source (or catalyst) of the same pain within me — literally abandoning me after making steadfast plans — that she takes other women’s money to apparently help heal. Ironic.
On a 5D level, I have love for all those who help me realize these deep-seated imbalances within self. Sometimes, we must forgive others who are not even sorry — that’s the strength of a master. However, for me, forgiveness is not necessary because I understand that they were just playing their roles in my life play.
Both queens taught me difficult but needed lessons around self love, SELF RESPECT and how I deserve to be treated. I also examined what I desire and why, checked my ego, and asserted my needs to the Universe. I’ve come to realize that I have high standards — I desire and deserve a true feminine Queen who is a 10/10 on the inside and out (in other words, a unicorn!).
I was also able to come to realization of several subtle ways I set myself up for SELF SABOTAGE — testing women and looking for any little thing that feels off so I can bail before they have the chance to leave me later on. But to help me rationalize the many ghosted-out-of-nowhere Bumble conversations, unread DMs, and ignored in-person approaches, I’ve also come to truly believe that IT IS NEVER MY LOSS.
I’m either completely karmically cursed or I’m vibrating so high that these people aren’t even perceiving me.
|Key Takeaway: “It is Never My Loss”|
|If you believe in your capacity to offer love so deeply that you can truly believe it is never your loss, you can never be abandoned or hurt. Additionally, it’s not all on you to manifest them. When you’re seeking co-creational love or reunion with a soul mate but not seeming to receive it despite your best efforts — and if you simply can’t free yourself of the nagging sense of loneliness, heaviness and misery of waiting and “wasting” time away — you must find some way to remove the perceived burden from resting solely with you. “They” are missing out on you, too. You are only ever half of a union that takes two to make.|
Due to these experiences plus the way Shelly treated me several years ago, I recently uncovered novel but pervasive TRUST ISSUES which I now must focus on healing. Other interactions across multiple dating apps and a few other on-and-off social media flings taught me so much more about my shadow, my needs in communication, and why I operate the way I do.
PATIENCE in love is another theme I’m being allowed to feel into deeply throughout this all. Taking it slow has never been easy for me — I want to feel the emotional and sexual fire up-front, and I have always felt validated sharing in reciprocated future projecting with women. However, I’ve learned I need to be cautious in not allowing that kind of talk get to my head. I also must be cautious not to lead others on in moments of conversational euphoria. The worst thing you can do is act like you care for someone more than you do; so we must be conscious about how we converse.
Lately, I’ve realized the longer we are forced to wait for our twin to reveal themself, the more time we have to awaken. What other choice is there? We come to a certain point where we know what we want; fooling around with BS interactions that feel immature or short-term becomes completely meaningless.
|Key Takeaway: Choosing Self Worth & Rewards in the Matrix|
|You will be given the opportunity to choose what you deserve in relationships or to compromise your own self worth in lieu of a tempting bait. On the other side of choosing self love — of embodying your value and forgoing something that’s not quite to your standards — almost always emerges a “better” reward. These catalysts may test us in relatively rapid succession, allowing for QUANTUM LEAPS. We must recognize our worth, ensuring needs and desires in relationship are met. We must stand strongly even through the tears and pain of saying “no” when every inch of our bodies is crying out to be touched, loved, and exalted by a seductive option. When we embody our worth, not settling or compromising whatsoever — when we’re willing to remain alone for the rest of our lives if our King/Queen status can not be completely honored by another — is when we finally unlock the frequency necessary for attracting our twin.|
I wouldn’t wish the pain, frustration and gut-wrenching suffering I’ve felt in my dating life over the past few years on anyone. At times, my time spent in isolation (and horrible luck with trying to get to know people) has felt like a curse. While I’ve found meaning in much of it, my mind remains boggled in many ways.
When I look in the mirror and objectively ask what I’m missing, I can’t find much. I sometimes shed tears at my seeming misfortune, and other times I feel so content and connected to Source that I do not want anyone around bothering or distracting me. Maybe my indecision there is blocking total manifestation, too.
|Key Takeaway: Deepen Your Heart Center in Solitude|
|The longer we remain in solitude, single, or celibate, the fonder the heart center grows — and thus the deeper the capacity with which we will be able to give and receive co-creative love in our next term. As we improve our connection to our hearts, we inch closer to the depth needed to then provide the space, care, and nurturing, healing energy required for that one person that needs our gifts most — our twin.|
At the end of the day, my story is mine. My past is something I can not change. But if I continue learning through experiential catalyst, I will become better each day. If my Source Self wants to bring me to reunion with my Queen, unbelievable. We will forge a love the likes of which this Universe has never seen. If not, that’s fine too.
∞ 𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘦. 𝘚𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘺. 𝘓𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺.
👉🏼 ᴍʏ ꜰᴀᴠ ᴀʀᴛɪᴄʟᴇꜱ 👇